Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
