Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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