I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
