My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?