if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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