you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
