she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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