She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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