I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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