im having a threesome with these popsicles
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
