omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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