Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
