I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
