so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
