I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
