I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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