He asked me if I "almost moaned"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
