6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
