I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
