I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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