Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
