I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
