My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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