Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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