I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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