some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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