I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
