what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I need moral support for this bender
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
