Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
