Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
