just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
