hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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