I'm laying in your front yard are you home
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
