Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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