Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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