Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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