If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
