Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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