if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
