I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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