you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
