i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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