i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My vagina is very pro this idea
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
