I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
