i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
