I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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