where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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