Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
