i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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