My underwear smells like fireworks.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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