If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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