look no pants
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
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