someone get that fucking seahorse.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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