Don't make out with my wife yet
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
