if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
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I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
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I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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