Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
